Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Retirement Ain't for Sissies

Here is how I woke up feeling this last day at work in my 2 weeks short of 26 year career...
This is an email to a friend.

"I'm waking up on my last day of work before 5am and not feeling so great.  I'm hoping you'll just listen to me vent/rant or get my feelings out so i don't have to carry these to work today.  I'm feeling very sorry for myself and maybe I'll delete this before sending it.
this is not the way I wanted to wake up on my day of retirement...alone.  Alone is not how I saw any of my life.  I saw it being happily married to someone I loved and someone who loved me...fairy tale.  I did not follow in my parents footsteps.  I did not follow the role models that lead my life.  I screwed it all up.  I screwed it up with two marriages that ended and left me alone.  I'm waking up alone with my dog in my bed, who I love dearly, however, he is not able to show me human love, human touch.  
This job has been a huge part of my life.  It actually lasted a year longer than my marriage.  I was married one month short of 25 years.  I am leaving my job 2 weeks short of 26 years.  I devoted much of my life to my job, and unfortunately had to do my job above my family on many occasions.  My husband told me once that I was "used up" because of my job...that I had nothing left to give.  I'll never forget that.  I know my job had a lot to do with the failure of my relationship with my husband.  It was just fuel to an ever  burning fire.  I never got from him what I needed to keep doing this job...understanding, appreciation for working hard, for holding our family together financially and keeping a job that kept us in insurance and other benefits (that ultimately would have benefited him).  He just wasn't capable or willing to help me thru i used riding, friends, and other things to help me we are at the end of it.  
I have been very emotional about my retirement since deciding to do so.  I am leaving some really important projects behind.  There have been many rewarding aspects to my job, helping kids find homes being the most important.  They probably would have found them without me, but somehow maybe I helped facilitate a few.  The last four years in this particular job helped me make it to 26 years with very little was the perfect job to finish out my career and get me to retirement for which I am grateful.  I am grateful to this job for it's benefits, it helping me get my child thru college, for my 401k and my retirement annuity.  I am grateful....and I'm sad.  
I did NOT want to have a retirement party and my supervisor insisted.  While I think she has some guilty feelings still about my retirement and how this all came down, I wish she had just appreciated my request and left it alone.  I have now to make it until 2pm and what ever happens inside that room, whether 2 people show up or 20. I have to wait to see if people say anything nice or say nothing at all.   I have to make it thru that party without my husband (as I no longer have one) and my daughter who lives too far away.  I have to make it thru that party knowing my daughter is glad it's over.  I have to make it thru that party without my long time working friends who are still in Gonzales.  I have to make it thru the day with an empty office to sit in for hours and a house full of boxes of shit that was in my office that I don't need in my home...that I don't need period, but wasn't ready to send it to resale yet.  Pens, and pencils, and pictures, and do dads, and just crap.  I have to make it through one more meeting in my office with a board member about our Christmas project that I have handed off the torch to.  I have to act normal all day and stuff my feelings just to make it through, like I did for years in order to endure the tragedy and trauma of abuse to children on a daily basis.  Sort of ironic to going back to denial and stuffing feelings on my last day of work.
I have to admit too I've had this little fantasy in my head that my X, my daughter and my grandson would show up for this stupid party...end of my career...that they would somehow talk to me on the phone during the morning while they were secretly driving up in the car...and when I walked in the door to the party there they would be...unlikely and doubtful...
On the other side, I know my sister will be there (my bnl's in Houston this week).  Four of my best friends at work in Midland and  two of my board member chair/presidents from out of town have said they will be there and my boss.  So that's 8 people and other staff will show up to eat cake.  Oh, my volunteer from downstairs will be there too.  I just hope they all keep their mouths shut and we just eat cake and go home.  I thought about saying something too but I hope I just keep my mouth shut too.  I hope it's all over before we know it.  I don't want to cry.
On the other side, I am free to do what ever I can afford to do.  I am free to ride my horse daily, walk daily, spend time with my sister, visit my daughter and grandson and whatever else God leads me to do.  I suspect I'll have to or want to go back to work eventually, however I hope God leads me to the next great thing in my life.  I just bought some new riding shoes and pants to ride in this I"m set for that.  I've tried to stock up on a few things I always need so when my income goes backwards I'll be a little ready for that.  We have our plans for Thanksgiving sister, bnl and I have rented a house in Austin and will be going there to try to work in TG with our three kids.  We are headed back to Wimberly but a different house for Christmas to again try to accomodate them and be closer so they don't have to travel...they have less time off with their jobs.  My sister will be retired then too.  

Anyway, I'm praying God gives me what i need for today to make it thru here, be grateful, see the cup full, see the future in a positive light.  A world wide open, opportunities abound...freedom to do His work, whether volunteering or in another type of job.  Something fun, something I've always wanted to do but maybe didn't know it or didn't think I could.  I guess it's ok to feel a little sad...I mean I just do.
Thanks for letting me vent and feel sorry for myself (without feeling you will judge me) and just get this out of my system.  I feel better.  Maybe I'll put this on my blog one reads it anyway!  It's called "Meanderings of a Happy Girl", who just today, isn't so happy.

Encourage One Another

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