First Official

Today is the first official day of retirement...retirement effective 10/31/11.  Up not too early, walked 3.2 miles.  Next, horseback riding an hour or two.  Yesterday, first day of geocaching with my friend whose been doing it for years.  She's found over 1800 caches.  Yesterday we found 11.  Started making my morning smoothies smaller, less calories.  Would love to walk off 5-10 pounds before Christmas.  Would love to walk at least 2-3 miles a day average, that's 14-21 miles a week; well really I'd love to walk a lot more than that but hate to commit to something not attainable or doable.  Since my last day at work I've walked 16 miles, only didn't walk 1 day (6 days off walked 5 days=ave 3 miles per day.  We'll see how it goes.  Hate to, but better throw out the rest of that homemade strawberry cake!

Encourage One Another

Anyone Interested in a Follow Up?

This is the email I sent back to my friend the evening of the first email, retirement day @ 10:30pm.
"This is the first moment I've had to sit for a second and let you know how the day went.  Once I got it out of my system to you I prayed every moment before leaving the house that I would not cry.  I prayed once I got to work.  I dropped a couple of little gifts and some cards off to my friends before 8am so they would be at their desks when they arrived at work.  Then I didn't cry anymore.  I spend an hour or so getting some old adoption stuff, addresses of families, names, photos etc off my computer.  I heard from two of the adoptive families I still keep in touch with...sweet sweet emails.  Had a big lunch with friends from work, they invited me; my boss treated me.  I went down at the appointed hour with my best work friend to the party.  Several were there but many more showed up.  We kept waiting on my sister, who was about 15 minutes late.  All the sudden she walks in the door.  I hug her and sit back down.  She acts a little funny, then comes to sit down.  I look around and my fantasy comes true.  Little Hays comes toddling thru the door!  and J (my daughter) and J (X husband) follow.  It was truly wonderful.  I felt so blessed.  We spend the evening together and they are leaving after breakfast in the morning.  Overall, its' been a great day  Them being there kept me focused off the actual leaving the office for the last time...shutting down my computer...leaving a forwarded voice mail.  John stayed til I left and walked out with me .  In my apartment later I hugged him and thanked him for coming and he told me he knew it was where he was suppose to be today!  So, there it is

A good day after all.  I have a downstairs full of sweet gifts and cards and saw a room full of people who wished me well me well and my condo filled with people I love, my family.

God is good."

So there you go.  The day could not have been much more perfect unless my bnl had been able to be there too.  He was out of town.  I am blessed though and the day was too.

We all had breakfast together day one of retirement then my family went back south.  It was wintery outside went to feed my pony (not nice enough to ride) and then I lit my fireplace and unpacked boxes the rest of the day.  My sister invited me for chicken and dumplings and the World Series that evening.  Another good day.

More about retirement in the days to come.

Encourage one anohter

Retirement Ain't for Sissies

Here is how I woke up feeling this morning...my last day at work in my 2 weeks short of 26 year career...
This is an email to a friend.

"I'm waking up on my last day of work before 5am and not feeling so great.  I'm hoping you'll just listen to me vent/rant or get my feelings out so i don't have to carry these to work today.  I'm feeling very sorry for myself and maybe I'll delete this before sending it.

this is not the way I wanted to wake up on my day of retirement...alone.  Alone is not how I saw any of my life.  I saw it being happily married to someone I loved and someone who loved me...fairy tale.  I did not follow in my parents footsteps.  I did not follow the role models that lead my life.  I screwed it all up.  I screwed it up with two marriages that ended and left me alone.  I'm waking up alone with my dog in my bed, who I love dearly, however, he is not able to show me human love, human touch.  

This job has been a huge part of my life.  It actually lasted a year longer than my marriage.  I was married one month short of 25 years.  I am leaving my job 2 weeks short of 26 years.  I devoted much of my life to my job, and unfortunately had to do my job above my family on many occasions.  My husband told me once that I was "used up" because of my job...that I had nothing left to give.  I'll never forget that.  I know my job had a lot to do with the failure of my relationship with my husband.  It was just fuel to an ever  burning fire.  I never got from him what I needed to keep doing this job...understanding, appreciation for working hard, for holding our family together financially and keeping a job that kept us in insurance and other benefits (that ultimately would have benefited him).  He just wasn't capable or willing to help me thru it...so i used riding, friends, and other things to help me survive....anyway...here we are at the end of it.  

I have been very emotional about my retirement since deciding to do so.  I am leaving some really important projects behind.  There have been many rewarding aspects to my job, helping kids find homes being the most important.  They probably would have found them without me, but somehow maybe I helped facilitate a few.  The last four years in this particular job helped me make it to 26 years with very little stress...it was the perfect job to finish out my career and get me to retirement for which I am grateful.  I am grateful to this job for it's benefits, it helping me get my child thru college, for my 401k and my retirement annuity.  I am grateful....and I'm sad.  

I did NOT want to have a retirement party and my supervisor insisted.  While I think she has some guilty feelings still about my retirement and how this all came down, I wish she had just appreciated my request and left it alone.  I have now to make it until 2pm and what ever happens inside that room, whether 2 people show up or 20. I have to wait to see if people say anything nice or say nothing at all.   I have to make it thru that party without my husband (as I no longer have one) and my daughter who lives too far away.  I have to make it thru that party knowing my daughter is glad it's over.  I have to make it thru that party without my long time working friends who are still in Gonzales.  I have to make it thru the day with an empty office to sit in for hours and a house full of boxes of shit that was in my office that I don't need in my home...that I don't need period, but wasn't ready to send it to resale yet.  Pens, and pencils, and pictures, and do dads, and just crap.  I have to make it through one more meeting in my office with a board member about our Christmas project that I have handed off the torch to.  I have to act normal all day and stuff my feelings just to make it through, like I did for years in order to endure the tragedy and trauma of abuse to children on a daily basis.  Sort of ironic to going back to denial and stuffing feelings on my last day of work.

I have to admit too I've had this little fantasy in my head that my X, my daughter and my grandson would show up for this stupid party...end of my career...that they would somehow talk to me on the phone during the morning while they were secretly driving up in the car...and when I walked in the door to the party there they would be...unlikely and doubtful...

On the other side, I know my sister will be there (my bnl's in Houston this week).  Four of my best friends at work in Midland and  two of my board member chair/presidents from out of town have said they will be there and my boss.  So that's 8 people and other staff will show up to eat cake.  Oh, my volunteer from downstairs will be there too.  I just hope they all keep their mouths shut and we just eat cake and go home.  I thought about saying something too but I hope I just keep my mouth shut too.  I hope it's all over before we know it.  I don't want to cry.

On the other side, I am free to do what ever I can afford to do.  I am free to ride my horse daily, walk daily, spend time with my sister, visit my daughter and grandson and whatever else God leads me to do.  I suspect I'll have to or want to go back to work eventually, however I hope God leads me to the next great thing in my life.  I just bought some new riding shoes and pants to ride in this week...so I"m set for that.  I've tried to stock up on a few things I always need so when my income goes backwards I'll be a little ready for that.  We have our plans for Thanksgiving set...my sister, bnl and I have rented a house in Austin and will be going there to try to work in TG with our three kids.  We are headed back to Wimberly but a different house for Christmas to again try to accomodate them and be closer so they don't have to travel...they have less time off with their jobs.  My sister will be retired then too.  

Anyway, I'm praying God gives me what i need for today to make it thru here, be grateful, see the cup full, see the future in a positive light.  A world wide open, opportunities abound...freedom to do His work, whether volunteering or in another type of job.  Something fun, something I've always wanted to do but maybe didn't know it or didn't think I could.  I guess it's ok to feel a little sad...I mean I just do.

Thanks for letting me vent and feel sorry for myself (without feeling you will judge me) and just get this out of my system.  I feel better.  Maybe I'll put this on my blog site...no one reads it anyway!  It's called "Meanderings of a Happy Girl", who just today, isn't so happy.

love

me"

Encourage One Another

The Closer It Gets

The closer retirement gets, the more surreal it becomes.  I mean, is it really going to happen?  I've had some thoughts about saying..."oh, no, never mind, I don't think I want to retire after all".  But then what would my boss do...she's counting on having my job to have her job...so no, that won't work.  I just have to trust that God is still leading, still listen for Him and move forward.  I think just sitting quietly and listening instead of talking and moving all the time is the way to hear the answer.  So come October 37th R, just sit still.

Love One Another

Skip in My Step

OK, have I told you I'm retiring!   The struggle to get to the retirement decision was a difficult one.  It created lots of stress and heartache during the process.  However, coming out on the other side has been a blessing.  While I still have some sadness that comes over me in leaving the projects that I love, like Sunday's Child with my partner Tatum from CBS7, the whole idea of retirement is starting to sink in.  The idea of not getting up to an alarm, not wearing make up every single day, not rushing home to lunch and then back to work, not having the weight of work on my shoulders four or five days a week…those are good ideas.  The idea of riding my horse any time I day I want to, walking (finally) daily again, having lunch with friends, hanging out with my sister, my daughter, my grandchild, spending time with my family…those are good ideas, blessings in fact.  They are creating a noticeable skip in my step. I mean literally, I feel lighter.  Could that possibly be?  Maybe I should check the scale.  And in looking at me, I wonder if anyone else has noticed.